A Stoic practice
How to deal with failure and rejection: a Stoic practice
The Stoic way to handle failure or rejection is to separate the outcome, which was never fully in your hands, from your effort and conduct, which were. Take what you can honestly learn, refuse the verdict that the result defines you, and begin again with the next step. Marcus Aurelius put it simply: when you have failed, return again.
Failure and rejection hurt in a particular way. The job you did not get, the message left unanswered, the project that did not land: each seems to deliver a verdict on you, not just on the attempt. The shame that follows is often heavier than the practical loss.
The Stoics drew the line in a different place. Seneca wrote that the wise person looks at the reasons behind their actions rather than the results, because the beginning is in our power and the outcome is decided by fortune (Letters to Lucilius XIV). That is not an excuse to stop trying. It is a way to take your effort seriously without handing your sense of worth to whoever said no.
A 5-minute Stoic practice for failure and rejection
Give yourself a little time before you start. This works better once the first sting has passed.
- 1Let it sting.
Disappointment is a normal response to losing something you wanted. Allow it for a while before analysing anything.
- 2Split the outcome from your part.
Write two short lists. What I did: prepared, applied, asked, tried. What I did not control: their needs, the timing, other candidates, their mood. Look at how much sits on the second list.
- 3Take one honest lesson.
From your own list, find one thing you would do differently. Only one, and only if it is real. If you did your part well, write that down too.
- 4Refuse the verdict.
Notice any sentence like I am a failure or nobody will ever want this. Replace it with what actually happened: this attempt did not work. That is the fact. The rest is a judgement you can decline.
- 5Begin again, small.
Choose the next concrete step: the next application, the next draft, the next conversation. Marcus did not ask himself to succeed, only to return (Meditations V.9).
What the Stoics wrote
Be not discouraged if you fail to act by right principles. When you have failed, return again. Be content if the greater part of what you do accords with your nature, and love this to which you return.
Marcus Aurelius expected to fall short and wrote himself a plan for it: come back. Not perfectly, not all at once. Being content if most of what you do is right is a much kinder standard than never failing.
More on adversity and setbacks →The wise man considers the reasons behind his actions, not their outcomes. The beginning is in our power; fortune decides the issue, but I do not let her pass sentence upon me.
The dividing line in one sentence. You choose how you begin; fortune decides how it ends. What Seneca refuses is letting the ending pass judgement on him.
More on what you can control →Suppose someone despises me — let him look to that himself. My concern is only that I not be found doing or saying anything deserving of contempt. Shall someone hate me? Let him look to it.
Rejection often feels like contempt, even when it is not. Marcus keeps his attention on his own conduct and leaves other people's opinions where they belong: with them.
