A Stoic practice
How to calm down when you're angry: a Stoic practice
When you are angry, the Stoic first step is to wait: do not speak, send, or decide anything while the heat is at its peak. Then find the judgement underneath (they did this on purpose, this is unacceptable), ask whether it is true, and choose the response you would still respect tomorrow. Seneca, who wrote a whole book on anger, called delay its greatest remedy.
Anger arrives fast and feels like clarity. You are sure what happened and sure what should happen next. The Stoics took anger more seriously than almost any other emotion because of what it does to that next step: it hands your choices to whoever provoked you.
Seneca's On Anger draws a line that is still useful. First comes the jolt, which nobody controls: the heat in the face, the racing heart. Then comes agreement, the moment you accept the thought that you have been wronged and must hit back. Only the second is up to you, and the practice lives in the gap between them. It is not about pretending you are fine. Sometimes anger points at something real that needs to be addressed. The question is whether you address it as yourself or as the anger.
A 5-minute Stoic practice for anger
Do the first two steps immediately. The rest can wait until your heart rate has come down.
- 1Delay.
Do not reply, send, or decide anything for now. Put the phone face down, step out of the room, or count slowly to a hundred. Seneca called delay the greatest remedy for anger (On Anger II.29).
- 2Notice the body.
Find where the anger sits: jaw, shoulders, stomach. Breathe out for longer than you breathe in, a few times. You are not trying to stop the feeling, only letting it peak and pass.
- 3Find the sentence underneath.
Finish this line: I am angry because they… and I believe that means… The second half is the judgement. They were late, and that means they do not respect me.
- 4Question the judgement.
Is it certain? Is there another explanation? Marcus Aurelius reminded himself that difficult people will always exist and that it is no use demanding a world without them (Meditations IX.42). What matters is what you do.
- 5Choose the response you will still respect tomorrow.
Decide what, if anything, needs to be said, and say it calmly once the heat has gone. Sometimes the right response is a clear boundary. Sometimes it is nothing at all.
What the Stoics wrote
In the excitement of anger, remember: to be moved by passion is not strength. Mildness and gentleness are more agreeable to human nature and more courageous.
Marcus wrote this to himself as an emperor surrounded by people who tested him. His point is not that you should be a pushover. It is that gentleness takes more strength than rage.
More Stoic passages on anger and other people →I have been turning this over in my own mind: no weight is heavy when the heart bears it lightly, and no event need stir anger so long as we do not heap further trouble onto trouble by becoming angry.
The event is one trouble. Getting angry about it adds a second, which you then carry for the rest of the day. Seneca asks you to refuse only the second.
When you are offended with anyone's shameless conduct, ask yourself: is it possible that shameless people should not be in the world? It is not possible. Do not require what is impossible.
When someone behaves badly, it helps to stop being surprised that such people exist. Expecting them makes it easier to deal with them without losing yourself.
